Stoke Your Own Fire: On Getting Needs Met (Once and For All)

I’m preoccupied with the idea of taking responsibility for my own joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment lately. The idea of ‘meeting myself’ and my needs on a whole new level is exciting to me. Taking things into my own hands feels like reclaiming my power. It’s like finally hitching a ride instead of continuing to wait at the bus stop. What a fucking relief!

I’m entertaining the notion that I am the ultimate source of love, approval, and attention in my life and that when I really tap in, this source is unlimited. Not only is it unlimited, it’s available at all times!

My recent preoccupation with ‘coming from fullness’ and meeting my needs is not coming out of the blue of course, but from an unfortunate couple of weeks around the last full moon when I found myself feeling embarrassingly needy, emotional, and detached from my own source of goodness. This led to chasing around a key player in my life with a begging bowl of sorts…I was razzin’ my man about not meeting my needs and blah blah blah. I’ll spare you those details so I don’t embarrass myself by over-sharing.

If I’ve learned one thing about relationship over the years it’s this: When my joy, contentment, or fulfillment hinges on what others do or don’t do I’m in big trouble.

Stoking my own fire—attending to my own needs—involves letting people ‘off the hook’. And yes, of course, coming from fullness also means connecting with others! Giving and receiving love, affection, tenderness, and warmth is a very human need. Being in community is key.

If relationship isn’t about getting our needs met then what is it about, you ask? I figure it’s about giving and sharing. It’s kinda like declaring, “I don’t actually need your firewood!’ My fire is blazing strong…but if you wanna add some wood for the sake of it—that’d be nice too.”

When we love ourselves we make sure that we are knocking on the door of someone who will answer. We connect with others who are also fed and generous. When we come from fullness we are ‘filling our own well’ and fortifying our wholeness first instead of creating a co-dependency on others.

As I get to know myself better I know what I ultimately need to be able to show up at my best. When I’m being good to myself, I prioritize those things every single day so that I feel whole and integral.

Cultivating wholeness is about taking care of myself completely and letting others take care of themselves. That way, clean giving and receiving becomes possible. Relating becomes elevated from neediness and codependency to generosity and sharing.

I’m choosing to increasingly meet my needs—to know what those are—and to consciously set up structures in my life that allow me to get my needs met. Sounds like a good idea right? I’m learning how to put my eggs in multiple baskets instead of just one and to create a web or infrastructure of connection, support, and nourishment for myself. I figure it’s worth a shot.

I’ve decided to meet my own ‘conditions of satisfaction’ instead of waiting for someone else to meet them. I’m saying yes to myself more and making sure that I’m getting my needs met consistently. I’d rather be fed than ravenous, wouldn’t you?

I’m prioritizing my pleasure, my amusement, and my fulfillment every single day and you can too. Coming from fullness is about aligning mind, body, and spirit and attending to all parts of us consistently. It’s about ensuring that each voice, or facet of self is attended to. Everybody gets to come out to play.

Empty feels needy. It feels desperate. It feels dissatisfied. It feels like, ‘I want something I’m not getting.’ Full feels yummy. It feels radiant. It feels like satisfaction. It feels empowered. It’s connecting with the sheer joy of being alive.

Coming from fullness means owning our divinity and sourcing from the source of all things where there is never a shortage.

Stepping into this full-place, in the end, is nothing more than being plugged into source and doing what supports an ongoing conscious connection. It’s remembering that you are that—whatever you long for most. You are the love. You are the approval. You are the affection.

We are the source of all that we desire when we stop cutting ourselves off and separating ourselves out.



In your journal or in conversation with a friend reflect on the following:

  • What ‘fills your well’ and allows you to feel full, satisfied, and radiant?
  • What need of yours is currently not being met? Here’s a clue: look for longing, grumpiness, or dissatisfaction.
  • What ritual or action could you put into place consistently to better meet that need?


Copyright © 2015 Marie-Ève Bonneau