Sometimes when we’re stuck or in pain, we think that we need to figure out the solution or have the answer to move forward. For the first two year of my healing journey I was fixated on a very persistent thought: “I’m not going to heal unless I can figure out why I got sick.”
Consumed by this thought, and brainwashed my New Age philosophy like the ‘Law of Attraction’, I was convinced that I was somehow responsible for my illness and that I had summoned it through my less-than-ideal thoughts, feelings, or actions. This was accompanied by the immense weight of personal responsibility as I equated my symptoms with the idea that I was doing something wrong and being a lousy creator of my reality. (Talk about a set-up for feeling ashamed and like you suck if things are not going your way.)
I left no stone unturned in my attempt to get at the root cause of my suffering. I delved into my family of origin wounds, my lack of self-worth, ancestral patterns, and examined my thoughts, beliefs, and feelings and anything else that felt relevant to my healing. Gripped by this persistent idea that I needed to figure it out to get well I started thinking that the city I was living in wasn’t right, so I left town. I thought maybe I was nature-deprived, so I went and lived outside for six months. I thought maybe what I was eating wasn’t right, so I over-hauled my diet. I did all that I could do and then some. I looked at everything that was in my control and righted it as best I could. I addressed my thinking, healed my relationships, and learned to love myself more. After all my efforts to get well, I felt that I knew myself better and I had cleared a lot of debris out of my life. And...I was still sick.
I can see now, looking back, that my way of thinking and operating stemmed from a belief that I was the doer of my healing and of my life. I still thought that I was in control and that I could will myself better!
The truth is that I never did ‘figure it out’. Not like that. I have clarity around the role this illness has played and still plays in my souls’ evolution and how it's landed me smack-dab in the middle of my purpose. I have learned to stop making myself wrong for being sick and to focus instead on the rightness of it all. So much is possible now that wasn’t possible before this experience. So much. The grace in this disaster is palpable now and is louder and clearer than all the muck of it.
|Artwork by Elena Ray|
I'm learning that being willing to heal and being receptive to my healing is enough to move forward and to shift things for the better. I share this with you in the hopes that it will have some value for you wherever you find yourself on your own journey…
Your willingness is enough. Yes. You read that right. Your willingness is enough: your willingness to heal, your willingness to forgive, and your willingness to surrender—even if you don’t know how. You can be willing to learn and willing for things to become easier. You can be willing to align with the divine purpose of your life even if you have no clue what that is.
Your willingness is your sacred consent. It creates an opening. Willingness without knowing creates humble receptivity—receptivity to what? To a greater story, a higher power, to the divine intelligence that makes your life possible. Your willingness creates a vacuum within which new insight and support can flood into.
You don’t have to have the answer.
You don’t have to have it all figured out.
Your willingness is enough.
2014 © Marie-Ève Bonneau